Sorry!

I have been chastised by many of you that I have not been keeping up on my blog.  I am sorry!  I guess for me I think my life is the same old boring life as before, I just live it with cancer.  I still get up in the morning, get ready, make lunches, get the girls off to school and the babysitters and head into work.  I work a full day, come home, sometimes make dinner (mostly my fantastic husband makes dinner with occasional meals from sweet neighbors and friends), help with homework, get the kids to bed, sometimes do a few house chores and clean a little and then crash!  So you see when I don't write is is because I assume no one cares about all of that.  I guess what I forget is that you don't really care about all of that but what you are hoping for is for me to share how I am feeling.  So today I will tell you how I feel.

I feel a little anxious today.  Tomorrow is round #4 and I don't want to go.  Don't get me wrong I haven't really wanted to go to any of them.  Before I had more of the attitude of let's just go and get through this so we can move on to the next phase.  I guess tonight I am just wanting to be done!  I think round #3 took a little bit more of a toll on me and came with ALOT more side effects.  Those of you who see me probably don't think I have seemed much different but I am just good at hiding it!  :)   I guess I shouldn't say that.   It is not that I am hiding it I just feel that life goes on and I still need to work and accomplish things so why worry and talk about and fuss over all the negative.  So I just don't, but it is getting harder to stay positive.  I think about how many new negative things came with round #3 and I dread what will come with round #4.  I am tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  This is when I hear my sweet husbands voice in my head and he reminds me it will all be fine and that I am strong and I can handle all of this.  "Don't head down that road," he says.  And he is right.  So now that I have shared a little insight to my soul I will stop worrying and give myself my pep talk and get ready for tomorrow.  These are the moments I remember that I am trying to hard to do this on my own.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I have let others help with meals and tending and words of encouragement but at the end of the day I am not letting my Heavenly Father carry me a little.  I know that I have the strength to handle what comes my way but I let fear and doubt creep in and wear me down. Sometimes I think I am tired because I am not letting Him give me the peace that I need.  I forget He is there waiting for me to be humble enough to come to Him.  So in more ways than one I am sorry tonight!

So here's to a new day.  May I choose to remember that "together we can do hard things!", I am loved, I have the support of the best family and friends, I have a job (yes to those of you have heard about my job being terminated for the upcoming year it is true.  I have however, already applied for a new job, interviewed, and been accepted.  Yeah!  Yes it has been a stressful week and a half.), and most importantly I am alive and dealing with a challenge that is much easier than a great number of people out there.  So I will stop feeling anxious and I will say it again and again... I can handle this one!  Bring it on!  I am strong enough to deal with all of this and grateful that it is not worse!  Thanks for loving me and listening to me ramble.  See if you ever ask for me to share insights into my soul again!  LOL  Have a great night and know I am fine and I am praying each of you as you are dealing with your own trials will be more humble than I am and let your Heavenly Father love you through them!  :)