Round #2

Well yesterday was round two!  It was a fun day as my mom and dad came along with Mark and hung out with me.  I didn't have to stay quite as long as the first time.  I was there about four hours this time.  I think it would have been closer to three and a half but I ended up having an allergic reaction.  I suddenly couldn't breath and my heart started to hurt.  I felt really weird from my waist up and started to feel like I couldn't function.  My head was fuzzy and I felt like I might faint.  I am sure you are wondering what they do when this happens.  Many think they change your medicine.  Wrong!  Mark had the nurse come over and they stopped giving me the medicine for about 15 minutes.  They pumped me full of Benedryl and steroids and then started up the medicine again just a little slower.  So you continue to get the same medicine that your body doesn't tolerate just a little slower.  I know it sounds crazy but it works.

Have you ever had Benedryl given by I.V.?  Craziest thing! Within 5 seconds I was so tired I could barely talk to answer the nurses questions.  It knocked me out!  I told the nurse I had taken Benedryl before and it didn't make me sleepy but she said it was because I had never had it go straight to my heart!  I still feel like I'm in a bit of a Benedryl comma today.

Well as to how I feel?  I worked today and feel pretty good.  Okay to be truthful I feel crappy but I try to buck up and do my best to feel good.  If I follow last times pattern I will start feeling super crappy here in a few days and it will be harder to fake it.  I am happy though that my white blood cell count has rebounded and I was back to normal.  Yeah!   I am also happy that I am able to function enough to go to work and be productive.  You have got to look on the bright side of things or this chemo stuff could depress you!  :)

Well just a shout out to my favorite parents in the world!  I couldn't be blessed with better people to look out for me and love me!  You are the best! Thanks for being there with me yesterday.  It helps to pass the time and forget what is really happening there. I love you mom and dad!!  :)  

I'm losing it!

Well I totally lost it today!  My hair that is!  I am now bald.  Can you even believe it?  I knew today was going to come but I didn't know how I would feel.  How do you prepare for a moment like this?  Truthfully so far I am fine.  I kept thinking I would have a meltdown and cry but I haven't.  I guess I feel like I have all along and just recognize it as another step in my journey.  That's not to say I may not lose it soon and cry but so far all is well! 

We had a great time tonight and I am grateful to all of my friends and family who were here to support me in this.  Thanks to my hairdresser and friend Angi who came to my house to make this experience easier.  You are the best Angi!  I haven't seen all of the pictures yet but I know we laughed and had fun.  I have some awesome "dumb and dumber" bangs at one point, a long mo-hawk, a crazy ponytail, a mullet and many other looks before we finished with shaving it all off.  It was so sweet because my cute 3 year year old just kept saying, "It's okay.  I love you!  You are still just mom".

 
Many of you have wondered about my hair loss.  I began losing it 3 days into chemo but it wasn't until Tuesday of this week that it started to fall out in clumps and by Wednesday my head started to hurt.  Yes, it hurts!  I can feel my hair dying and my scalp is super tender.  It's not like when you shed hair like we all do daily.  It is different.  So when you wake up with so much hair on your pillowcase that it is hard to know what color the pillowcase is or when you can't touch your head without having a handful of hair, I knew it was time!  The doctors said 4 to 6 weeks in I would start to lose it but I didn't even make it three.  I guess that just means that the medicine is working, right?!

I am thankful for this experience.  I am so glad that I know about a loving Heavenly Father who has this plan for me.  When people look at me I hope they see the light of Christ shining in my eyes and not just see my bald head.  I pray that I can always be grateful for all I have been blessed with.  I want to make the most of each opportunity that I am given.  I hope through me having to shave my head I can be an example to my girls.  I pray that they may learn that what is most important is not the color of our hair, the clothes we wear, the size or shape of the body we were blessed with but that they will know it is so much more than all of that.  May we all learn to love who we are!  Love what we have been given.  See the beauty in everyday life and love and live more fully!!  May we take what comes our way and make the most of it!  I have not always done this and my personal challenge to myself is to try a little harder to be a little better!  May you challenge yourself to do the same is my wish for this evening!  Love you!  Me :)

Why red?

If any of you have seen me lately you have seen that I am now a red head!  Can you believe it?   Actually I have red hair with purple tips!  If you are asking why red and assuming it is because it is my favorite color, you are wrong.  This was my Christmas gift to my hair dresser.    I am one of her boring clients who never goes crazy and wild with my hair.  She is lucky I let her put in highlights.  My sister Ashley talked me into letting her do whatever she wanted.  So I told her "Merry Christmas!  I will be bald in a few weeks so do whatever you would like!"  She told me she didn't want to get me fired so she was just going to do "normal with a little crazy".  I laughed and told Mark if that is normal with a touch of crazy I can only imagine what I may have ended up like.  Just kidding Angi!  We had a good time and I have loved all of the reactions I have gotten from others.  People either seem to love it or hate it!  Thanks Ashley and Angi for my fun new hair!  More than it being fun it has reminded me it is just hair.  We need not worry so much about all of that and just have a little more fun in life!  So my tip for the day is... Go red!  They say blondes have more fun but for me I think I've lived life a little fuller as a red head!   

Humbled

Humbled is the only word that comes to mind as I contemplate the experience I had today.  I don't know how many of you know this but my friends and family will be putting on a fundraiser for me.  Anything for a Friend is joining with my family and neighbors to organize this event.  This is something I have struggled with. I refused for a long time to accept this until one day a friend of mine so gently reminded me that this is not just about me, this is bigger than me.  I know this is true and despite the embarrassment, the worry of being judged, the not feeling worthy or that others need this more than I do, I finally agreed to the fundraiser.  Well today was the first meeting to begin organizing this event.  I knew I shouldn't go and be around all of the people yet I also knew I needed to be there.  I just felt like my heart needed to be there and I wanted to be able personally thank each person for all that they were doing for my family and myself.  I told myself I wouldn't stay long and that I wouldn't hug people. Let's just say I failed!  

But why was the experience so humbling?  Well first of all I was humbled to see so many people willingly give up their time to be a part of this event.  People whom I didn't even know or haven't seen in years were there along with those of you whom have already served and given so much to my family yet you were there again to give us even more!  It was such an amazing feeling to feel so loved by each of you!  I was humbled to see how my friend whom I love and helped organize the first Anything for a Friend event for a few years ago when she was diagnosed with cancer has taken this and turned it into something so amazing!  She was the first recipient and I will be the 24th.  I am humbled to see how one person with vision and help from many others can touch so many lives!  I was humbled to meet the mother of a young man whom was a past recipient of an Anything for a Friend event.  She is amazing!  Her spirit and positive attitude touched my heart and I know I can learn so much from her.  Her son has passed away and I was not able to meet him but I know he must have been one very special person.  I have seen pictures of him and you can see his passion for life in his eyes!  I want to thank this young man whom I never had the privilege of meeting. It is because of him I am truly humbled!  He touched someone's live so much that they choose to generously give money to others like myself, who are Anything for a Friend recipients, in his name.  There is an anonymous person out there whom I want to throw my arms around and hug!  Whomever you are I want to tell you that you are an angel! God places people here on earth that quietly go about changing the world one quiet act of kindness at a time.  You are one of those people!  Thank you isn't enough.  We are so humbled that you would give so generously to us when you don't even know us! Thank you for the money as it has brought us peace of mind that we have been longing for.  More than the money thank you for the example you have set for my children of the power there is in doing kind deeds for others and how what we do matters!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  May Heavenly Father bless you and those around you for touching my life and the lives of so many others!                

Bottomed out!

Well today was my first nadir visit.  In cancer treatment, nadir commonly refers to the lowest point that an individual's blood cell count will reach as a side effect of chemotherapy.  Well according to my blood work the Dr.'s say I have "bottomed out". My counts are really low which means I am extremely susceptible to any type of infection.  An example is if you are at 4.0 you are considered low and I am at 1.8. Another one of my numbers is if you are at 2.0 you are low and I am at 0.2.  I try to look on the bright side and think  I could be lower I could be 0.1.  It is crazy to me because my insides are not matching my outsides.  I feel the best I have in awhile as far as nauseousness and pain, yet I am at my lowest point as far as my insides are concerned.  Crazy!

So what does all of this mean?  I should avoid people and take tons of extra precautions as far as hugging people or having them touch me.  I think this is going to the hardest part for me.  I am a hugger!  So I guess you all will have to help me and not hug me when you see me.  :(   I am going to hate that!

I do recognize all of the prayers being sent my way.  My family, everyone of them all three girls and Mark, have been or currently are sick yet I am staying relatively healthy. I see it as a small miracle.  I don't care what anyone says about staying away from them.  At the end of the day I am their mom and who do all of us want when we are sick?  Yes, our moms!  So I try to balance out taking care of them and staying healthy. It is tricky but I am managing. I have great people around me who are trying to help and I appreciate all that they are doing!  Thanks to all of you for loving us and being there for us.  We will forever be grateful!  

Quick Update

Just a quick update:
Tuesday - Round one of chemo.
Wednesday and Thursday  - I worked.  I didn't feel great but well enough to work.
Friday - I started to feel sick with a head cold.  Stayed home to try to catch it before it turned into something really bad.
Saturday - Had a fever of 100.4 which is the magic number that if I have that temperature I have to call day or night and talk to a doctor.  They started me on an antibiotic since I am getting sick!  :(  By far my worse day yet with lots of chemo side effects combined with a head cold.  
Sunday - Today I am resting and trying to feel better!  Still not great but hanging in there!  

Round #1

Well I survived round one!  Mom, Shay and Mark were with me as I prepped for this new experience.  I am grateful that I have so many people who love me and are with me every step of the way.  Thanks guys! 

If it looks like we were having a party we were!  When you have to stay there from 9:30am to 2:00pm you have to make the best of it.  So we had snacks, chatted and just hung out!  Some of you are curious as to what happens.  After a visit with the doctor I went and picked out my special recliner for the day.  They then connect you to an I.V. machine through a port I had placed in my chest.  From there I had my special "cocktail" drip into me for a few hours.  That's it.  They changed out my bags of "poison" every now and again and watched to make sure I didn't have an allergic reaction.  I didn't seem to have any problems this first round.  Yeah!

As for how I am now... well, let's just say I am doing better than I had imagined.  I know we all react differently but so far I am doing good.  All of the typical symptoms, tired, nauseous, achy but mostly just happy to not be flat in bed like I had anticipated.
I am amazed at how many wonderful people there are in this world!  As I spent the day receiving my first round of chemo I was able to visit with a sweet lady who is sadly a veteran at all of this.  She has already done 8 sessions and is now going in for quarterly visits.  Every time I meet someone new and hear their story I am again reminded that I am going to be fine and that I would take this trial over another.  Now with that being said she felt the same about my story and was so sad for me to have to deal with this with my little ones, having to work, etc.  I guess it is all about perspective and reminds me that we need to be grateful for who we are and all that we have! 

Bring it on!

Many of you have asked if I am scared to start chemo today.  I have told you all no, not really, but I guess if I am being honest with myself there is a small part that is a little anxious.  I like a plan and the lack of the unknown brings me a little bit of... well, I can't explain it, but knowing I went to sleep at midnight and am wide awake and writing this at 3am tells me I must be a little worried.

Here is what I know though and try really hard to live by when I get this unsettled feeling...God did not give us the spirit of fear!  I know life is full of challenges and hard stuff but I can choose to walk alone (which my stubborn self does more than I would like to admit) or I can choose to be brave and trust in the plan that I know a loving Heavenly Father has for me.  It's that simple!

So here is how I feel...Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!! Bring on the hard stuff, bring on the pain and the challenge and the crappy side to all of this!  Will I be exhausted, yes. Will I be naeseous, yes. Will I be bald, yes. But as I try to tell my children, you can dwell on the positive or the negative in every situation because they are both there to be found. So the positive is I will have to slow down and rest a little more. Is it really going to be that bad to sit and snuggle more with those beautiful girls I love and too often don't give them the time they deserve? The being naeseous part is a bit tougher to be positve about other than maybe it is going to be a great way to shed a few extra pounds that heaven knows I could lose! And being bald will not only save on shampoo and conditioner but am I not always asking for more time? Now I will have it. Time to laugh more, play more, love more and serve more! I guess we should be careful what we ask for! :) 

I know I can handle it.  I can do hard things.  I have never backed away from a challenge.  I have three girls for crying out loud!  (Just teasin' ladies!) I know that without feeling the deep sorrow and pain, the true heartache and a little bit of suffering I will never truly appreciate the depth of joy, happiness and love there is to be felt here.  So again I say ...BRING IT ON!!

Santa, Grinch and Angels!

I believe in Santa, the Grinch's change of heart, angels, and the magic of Christmas!  To those of you wonder why, I will tell you!  

Santa must have snuck into my house one day while we were all gone to work and delivered to our family an early Christmas gift of a beautiful tree and blanket.  Both of these were filled with so much love you can't even begin to imagine the joy it brought to our family.  I know it had to be Santa because he is the only person I know who can enter a house and deliver gifts without our knowing about it!  :)

As for the Grinch I arrived home from work only to receive a knock at the door and a very special Christmas delivery was given to me by someone whom is suppose to be grumpy but clearly with all that was delivered he had to have had a large change of heart!  Our hearts were also changed and will forever be touched!  You will never know the joy of Christmas morning we had this year thanks to the Grinch and his helpers!

We have also had a few angels anonymously deliver envelopes full of unconditonal love that our family will never know who to thank but will always be touched by their generosity!  

So to the angels, Santa and the Grinch and his helpers all we can say, and it doesn't seem like enough, is THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts.  You have touched our hearts and lives in ways you will never really understand and know! We love you and are grateful you have shared your love and kindness with us!       

How it all began...

I need to start by saying thank you to all of you for all of the love and support you have shown to my family and myself.  I am amazed at the outpouring of love you have shown us.  Everyone keeps asking me how I am handling this so well and all I can say is that it is because of all of you!  Your acts of love, prayers, positive thoughts and kind deeds are what keep me going.  Thank you!! 

Many of you have asked if I would be willing to share my story of how this started and what has been happening.  Those of you who know me well know that "sharing" is difficult for me.  I tend to keep personal things personal but I know this is not just about me.  I know that I need for this journey to be documented for my sweet children, wonderful husband and for myself.  I know we will need to look back on all of this and be reminded of the miracles and see the hand of a loving Heavenly Father.  So please know that you are more than welcome to join us on this journey and I hope nothing I say will bore or offend any of you.  This first entry will be long to catch you up.  Sorry!  Here we go...

I am actually pretty good about going in for my annual physical.  I hadn't missed an appointment up until I took a new job at work that I chose to let "take over my life".  With this new job I hadn't taken the time and thus had not gone in for three years.  I couldn't stop feeling that I needed to get myself together and go.  So I finally did.  While I was there my sweet CNM (and friend) told me she found a lump in my left breast.  I couldn't feel it but followed her advice and went in for a diagnostic mammogram.  When I was getting my mammogram done they said they couldn't find anything on the pictures or ultrasound and they couldn't feel anything on the left side.  They did however find something concerning on the right side and asked if they could take more pictures.  Once they looked over the pictures on the right side the doctor said that some radiologist might be aggressive and have it biopsied but that he was going to wait for six months and have me come back.  As we visited, this doctor started to "hum and haw" and then asked if I would allow him to talk to his colleages the next day.  I agreed and the next day they called and asked if I would schedule a biopsy.  On October 17th I recieved the results from that biopsy and found out that my world was about to change.  That was the day I found out I had breast cancer.

Those are the nuts and  bolts of the story but what I want you to know is that I recognize the hand of a loving Heavenly Father in all of this.  I know myself, if my CNM would have said, "Angie you're "29 and holding" and need to go in for a mamogram." I would have said okay and then put it off for winter break and then gotten too busy and put it off for spring break and then gotten too busy and put it off for the summer.  Sound familiar to anyone?  We lead such busy lives we tend to not listen or follow those promptings.  I know He knows me and knew I needed more than a whisper but that I needed a shove.  So a shove is what I got!  I am thankful to my wonderful CNM for being so in tune and following her intuition to have me go and get checked.  The kind of cancer I have would not have been felt and could only be found on a mammogram.  So ladies you know what I am going to say....stop procractinating and just get it done!  :)  I also recognize that the "humming and hawing" of the doctor was again another tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father.  I have the fastest growing kind of cancer and I fear how far my cancer would have spread if we would have waited six months.  I love that He loves me and will continue to guide those around me and use them as instruments in His hands! 

My journey continues... Once I found out I had cancer they told me I couldn't see a doctor for 9 days.  In normal life 9 days is not that big of a deal but when you have just found out you have "invasive ductal carcinoma" and don't even know what that means 9 days feels like forever.  I knew decisions would need to be made quickly once I met with the surgeon but I also knew I needed to have all the information I could.  The BRCA test was something I knew about because I have a family member who is very involved with this test and a dear friend who went through breast cancer a few years earlier.  I remember this being a big deciding factor in how she would proceed forward.  So despite many medical people telling me to wait and see what the surgeon thought I proceeded forward with having the test started.  It was not an easy decision because it is a $4,000 test that the insurance company was telling me they would likely not cover.  I was struggling with spending that kind of money because I knew I didn't have it to spend yet I kept feeling like I didn't have time to waste to wait the three to four weeks that the insurance agency was telling me it would take to decide if it would be covered.  Again I had an angel here on earth who said just what I needed to hear to help me decide to have the test run.  A sweet lady whom I have never met, who is employed for the company that was to run my test called me and asked if I wanted my test released.  I was hesitating and this amazing lady who is a stranger to me, yet I now feel like is a friend, said to me, "Sweetie can I give you some advise?  Listen to that gut feeling, that angel on your shoulder, that voice in your head.  Whatever you call it, just listen to it!" It was exactly what I needed to hear.  I knew the answer! I knew I needed it to be done and was doubting it and just needed a little reminder to follow my heart.  This amazing lady could have just done her job and waited for a yes or a no from me but instead she went above and beyond her job and gave me advise I will forever be grateful for.  Thank you Midge!! 

You need to know that the likelihood of me being BRCA positive was slim to none.  I have no family history and no other genetic reason to have this mutation.  The only reason they even concidered me a canidate was because of my young age.  Yes I am young girls!  You might think of me as grumpy old mom but "29 and holding" is really quit young!  :)  I had a 2-4% chance of being poitive.  Looks like the odds were not in my favor!  With this positive outcome is why I chose to have the double mastectomy and will be having a total hysterectomy when I get through all of the cancer treatments. 

The next big news came when I came out of having my double mastectomy surgery.  We found out that my cancer is a grade 3 (the fastest growing kind of cancer) and that it had already spread to my lymph node.  My surgeon was completely shocked and said she would have never bet on the fact that this had happened.  She had assurred me all along that the chances of it having already spread to my lymphnodes was minimal to none.  She saw nothing on the mammogram to indicate this nor could she feel anything that would indicate that there was a problem.  Yet again the odds were not in my favor.  It is a good thing I am not a gambler!  :)  

So where are we now?  Well my doctors wanted to start chemo on Christmas Eve or New Years Eve but were kind enough to allow me to get through the holidays.  I am now getting ready to start chemo in two days.  I will be having 6 rounds of chemo, one every three weeks.  This means if all goes well I should be done with chemo the beginning of May.  These next few months I imagine will be a whirlwind but I am optimistic that all will go well.  Yes, I am planning on working if possible through all of this and am just thankful to have a job and wonderful people to work with that have been very patient and understanding through all of this chaos. Many of you ask if I am scared.  I am not scared but I do hope that I can still be a happy functional wife and mom through all of this.  My kids have been so patient and understanding so far and I just want them to know of my love for them.  They don't deserve to have a grumpy mom.  That is my biggest concern right now. 

Before I leave for the night I have to tell you that Mark is one of the greatest men I know!  I am so certain that someone knew he was the exact person I would need to help me through this life.  I love him and am so thankful for everything he has done and is doing for our family!  It is not many who would be willing to wash and do my hair everyday, help me get dressed, feed me the first few days after surgery, drive me everywhere, be my nurse and keep track of all my medicines, be mom and dad to our kids, tuck me in because I can't even tuck my blankets under my arms at night and even shave my armpits!  Love, love love him!! 

Well there you have it!  Sorry it was so factual and business like.  I will try to show you my funny side another day!  I have just procrastinted enough that I had a ton of chat up to do.  Lastly I have to thank my social media guru friend who has spent a ton of time helping me get this up and running.  KiKi you are someone who I adore and cherish! Thanks for everything!!