Many of you have asked if I am scared to start chemo today. I have told you all no, not really, but I guess if I am being honest with myself there is a small part that is a little anxious. I like a plan and the lack of the unknown brings me a little bit of... well, I can't explain it, but knowing I went to sleep at midnight and am wide awake and writing this at 3am tells me I must be a little worried.
Here is what I know though and try really hard to live by when I get this unsettled feeling...God did not give us the spirit of fear! I know life is full of challenges and hard stuff but I can choose to walk alone (which my stubborn self does more than I would like to admit) or I can choose to be brave and trust in the plan that I know a loving Heavenly Father has for me. It's that simple!
So here is how I feel...Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!! Bring on the hard stuff, bring on the pain and the challenge and the crappy side to all of this! Will I be exhausted, yes. Will I be naeseous, yes. Will I be bald, yes. But as I try to tell my children, you can dwell on the positive or the negative in every situation because they are both there to be found. So the positive is I will have to slow down and rest a little more. Is it really going to be that bad to sit and snuggle more with those beautiful girls I love and too often don't give them the time they deserve? The being naeseous part is a bit tougher to be positve about other than maybe it is going to be a great way to shed a few extra pounds that heaven knows I could lose! And being bald will not only save on shampoo and conditioner but am I not always asking for more time? Now I will have it. Time to laugh more, play more, love more and serve more! I guess we should be careful what we ask for! :)
I know I can handle it. I can do hard things. I have never backed away from a challenge. I have three girls for crying out loud! (Just teasin' ladies!) I know that without feeling the deep sorrow and pain, the true heartache and a little bit of suffering I will never truly appreciate the depth of joy, happiness and love there is to be felt here. So again I say ...BRING IT ON!!
I never doubted your strength. We're Southern's it's in the genes, but I cannot tell you enough how amazed I am by you. I know you can do hard things. I know you will conquer this but the grace with which you have handled this is beyond impressive. I can only hope when life throws challenges my way I can follow your lead and use humor, optimism and love to get through. I love you and hope you know I'll be there every step of the way.
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