The Big Event!

I finished chemo on Tuesday and had to get ready for a big family night at school on Thursday that I was in charge of having everything ready for 700 people.  Needless to say by time Thursday was over I was exhausted but I had to keep up my energy because Saturday was my big event.  And BIG is was!  I cannot believe how many people came to support our family!  It was so fun to see so many of you and visit with you.  I hope that all of you had as great of a time as I did.  I know I wasn't able to visit with everyone and if I did get a chance to visit with you it wasn't for long but I hope you still had a great time shopping and visiting.
I don't even know what to say.  I am so grateful to all of you who had anything to do with that night in any way. Whether you were a part of  the planning or one who attended.  I am so humbled by all of you and your generous hearts.  You were all so willing to give of your time and money for myself and my family.  It's overwhelming and humbling to feel so loved by all of you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!    It was a wonderful night that I will never forget!!

I have to give a special thank you to those of you who put in countless hours to prepare for that night.  Many of you have told me you have been to other fundraisers but never one as wonderful and as organized as this one.  Well let me tell you that didn't happen by accident.  It took many great men and women giving up a lot of time to pull that off.  I will not start naming names because I am sure to leave someone out and I would never want to hurt any feelings but you know who you are and so do I.  Thank you doesn't seem like enough but it's all I can say.  So, thank you for all the blood, sweat, tears and time you put into planning this amazing evening!!   Mark and I can only pray that in your time of need you to will be blessed and hopefully we will be a part of giving back to you someday in some small way.

Our family hopes we will now be able to pay it forward by helping those in need every chance we can get.  I know that there are many who are suffering far more than I am and I hope I can know which of those people I am suppose to reach out to and help.  I know we cannot be there for everyone but we can be there for one.  I pray I listen to the promptings to know who is the one I am to help each day.  I know it doesn't have to be as grand as my event to change someones day.  It's the little things that matter most.  When you think of how that event happened it was by a lot of people doing a lot of little things.  It wasn't by one person doing something grand.  It took many people donating a few items, making a few phone calls, putting all those things together in baskets, etc. to make something wonderful happen.  I feel like it's the same way when we are inspired to help others.  We may feel prompted to make a phone call to someone or send a note or a text and we think how is that going to help them?  Well from one who has been on the other side of these small acts of kindness I can tell you it makes all the difference in the world some days.  All of those simple things can heal broken hearts, bring hope back to someone who has lost it, or just simply help someone find a little joy in their journey.  So I challenge you today to find that one person who needs something simple that you can give and give it to them!  :)  The great part is it will only bring you more joy!

Thanks again to all of you for loving me!  I will forever be grateful that you are a part of my life!   XOXOXO

P.S. If anyone got some photos of the event Mark and I would love it if you emailed them to us at:   angie.s.jones2013@gmail.com     Thanks!

Round 6 - The final round!

I don't even know where to begin...  I completed my 6th and final round of chemo on April 22nd.  Yeah!!  It's such a great feeling to know I have made it through one more phase of my journey.  It was another fun day.  Julie, my sister-in-law whom I love, came and went to lunch with me before and then came to be a part of my final round.  We had such a great time laughing and talking at lunch that for a small moment I forgot I was on my way to go in and get poisoned again.  Thanks Julie for making me forget about my cancer for a moment and just feel like my old self again for awhile.  Love you!

Julie, however, was not the only one who decided to join me for the big day.  I ended up having a ton of people there.  It was great!  Mark and the girls came, my mom, my brother-in-law Dan, my niece Hillary, my cousin Heather (who had to leave before I got to see her but I still count her as being there to support me) , my cousin Heidi and Michelle, a friend from work.  It was so fun!  Lucky for us I was able to get the only private room they have so we didn't disturb the others there that day.  We just laughed and talked and enjoyed each others company.  Thanks to all of you who were there to support me and to all of you who wished you could have been there as well.  I know plenty of you have been cheering me on even though you haven't been able to be with me.

When you are done you get to go and ring a bell.  So my girls and Mark and I took our picture as I rang the bell.  They also send you with a bottle of sparkling cider to celebrate.  It was great to finally be able to say goodbye, ring the bell and be done with chemo!  :)  Yeah!  I made it!!  I am looking forward to the month of May and beginning to feel like myself again.  I know it won't last long since I start radiation in June but for now I am just focusing on the good days in May that are mine to be had!

Round #5

Here we are having a party!  Chiara my sweet friend came and spent the day with me and we chatted and had lunch.  I am grateful to have her in my life!  She and I have been friends for years and I have always known she would bless my life in ways others couldn't!  She is such an example to me and has taught me so many things!  Thanks Kiki for taking time out of your busy life to hang out with me yesterday. Love you!                          
Then my two favorite men in the world came and joined us for a little while!  It is always fun to hang and chat with my dad and Mark.  They both crack me up!  We always have a few laughs with them around.  Chiara asked me if I prefer having people with me or if I would rather be alone and lay my head back and sleep.  I was quick to say I prefer having people there.  It makes me feel like it's more of a fun thing and helps me to forget I am sick for a moment.  I figure I have plenty of other times that I can sit and rest alone.  Being alone there, in that room full of nurses, IV bags, other people who are sick, etc. seems depressing to me. So thanks to all of you who have come and spent a few hours of your day with me!  It has helped this part of my journey seem a bit more bearable.  I can't wait for my final round.  My girls want to come and play games with me and help me ring the bell to celebrate that I am done! It should be a fun day!

As for today I am feeling like yesterday was chemo day!  It's such a big difference between how I feel the morning before I go in and the morning after.  I never get back to normal the day before I start chemo again but I certainly start to feel functional.  It is spring break for me right now and I knew if I wanted to get anything done I would have to do it Monday.  So I took down the curtains in my kitchen and washed them, washed the windows, cleaned out the fridge a little and wiped down a few walls in the kitchen.  That's it! Then I was tired and done.  So I guess this year that will be the extent of my spring cleaning!  Oh well. I am quickly learning there are more important things than a clean house.  A hard lesson for me to learn but a good one!  :)

Well, thanks for letting me ramble and share a little with you of what's going on!  I guess it is time for me to go and rest while I can.  Here's to hoping that you are having a great day and that you are finding "joy in your journey"!  Take care!
  

Pain in the butt! :)

What a day Mark and I had on Friday.  We left our home at about 8:30 am and didn't get back home until about 5:00 pm.  Many of you don't know (because it doesn't seem like the thing to share) but I have been bleeding so the doctors felt as though I should go in for a colonoscopy.  I went in Friday morning to have this procedure done.  They asked if they could put my IV in through my port and I agreed.  Usually when they access my port I have a numbing cream I use so it isn't as painful.  Well since I didn't think about them using my port  I hadn't put on my cream.  The nurse told me it wouldn't hurt any more than a needle prick so I agreed to let her use it.  Well, she lied!  It hurt like crazy and then the best part is she couldn't get it to work. She then told me they were going to have to put the IV in my arm.  I told her they can never get it to work in my arm and she would have to use my hand.  Well because I am just the patient, and apparently don't know anything, she opted to try my arm first.  After many painful pokes and digging around here is the result.

She then resorted to my hand and again was unable to find a vein she could use.  After a few more pokes and digging and ALOT of pain, she gave up.  My hand looks about as bad!  So now we are at a standstill. For better or worse I am not able to let them try in my right side due to the mastectomy and loss of lymph-nodes so they were not sure what they were going to do.  Another nurse came in turned off the lights and looked at my arms with an ultraviolet light.  She said she found another vein but it looked small and she wasn't confident she could get it to work.  I don't think she or I wanted to continue to torture me so she opted to not try again and decided to call down one of my nurses from the cancer center who works with my port all the time.  I was wishing one of us would have thought of that sooner.  Thankfully the cancer nurse had no problems accessing my port, just more pain, but we finally got my IV working.  I am not going to lie, it makes me nervous to think of what is going to happen when I no longer have a port.  My veins were tough to access before but now the chemo is really taking a toll on them.  :(
Silly me, I thought this procedure was going to be a quick one and I would have time to go home before I had my next appointment with the radiation oncologist.  Well I was wrong.  We finished up with 40 minutes until the next appointment.  Since I hadn't eaten in almost 48 hours we ran and got a quick bite to eat and headed to the next appointment in my sweat from my surgery and with my hospital band still on my arm. This appointment to me was just going to be a quick visit so he could tell me I didn't need radiation and I could check that off my list of things to do and doctors to visit with.  Well I am sad to say I was wrong.  I have had so many other doctors tell me that more than likely I wouldn't need radiation, and truthfully I don't want to have it, so I had led myself to believe I wouldn't be having it. Unfortunately,  I am wrong.  My doctor said he too felt I didn't need to have radiation at first but after deeper review of my file he feels as though it is necessary.  He is still going to take my case to be reviewed with his colleagues this week and get back to me but likely the verdict won't change.  Needless to say I was devastated!  I don't know why because everyone says it is easier than chemo but I just don't want to do it.  I guess maybe I am afraid of the long term side affects.  I am also getting tired.  I cried a little on Friday and felt sorry for myself.  Saturday I just pretended it wasn't true and was in a little denial and then came Sunday.  As I sat in Sacrament meeting Sunday I remembered that I needed to have a little more faith.  I am forgetting that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and if this is part of it then I need to buck up and just do it.  If I have lasting side affects then I will deal with them.  If I am tired then I just need to pray for more strength.  I forget at times that I am not in charge and that just because I don't want radiation doesn't mean that I don't need it.  I plan to continue to do my homework so I can make the best decision and I will continue to pray for comfort and inspiration but as for now I am just trying to be okay with what is happening.  So when you ask what you can do for me all I can say is pray for us.  Pray for my family that they can handle me being tired for a little longer.  Pray for us that we can learn something from this trail and that it will not all be in vain.  Pray that we can be strong and accept His will.  And lastly pray that each of us will become a little better, a little stronger and can use that strength to serve others during all of this.  This is my prayer!      

Round #4

Yeah!  I am on the downhill slide!  I just completed round four last week and I'm doing pretty good.  It was another fun day with one of my favorite people.  Ashley and I just hung out, chatted, watched a movie and chilled.  Some days I think chemo days are better than other days since all the other days I have to go to work! Yuck!  Okay so the actual being poisoned isn't that great but hangin' with those I love is!

Thanks Ash for a fun day!  Here is how we feel about "girls just wanna' have fun'!  

  Here's how we feel about cancer!

Sorry!

I have been chastised by many of you that I have not been keeping up on my blog.  I am sorry!  I guess for me I think my life is the same old boring life as before, I just live it with cancer.  I still get up in the morning, get ready, make lunches, get the girls off to school and the babysitters and head into work.  I work a full day, come home, sometimes make dinner (mostly my fantastic husband makes dinner with occasional meals from sweet neighbors and friends), help with homework, get the kids to bed, sometimes do a few house chores and clean a little and then crash!  So you see when I don't write is is because I assume no one cares about all of that.  I guess what I forget is that you don't really care about all of that but what you are hoping for is for me to share how I am feeling.  So today I will tell you how I feel.

I feel a little anxious today.  Tomorrow is round #4 and I don't want to go.  Don't get me wrong I haven't really wanted to go to any of them.  Before I had more of the attitude of let's just go and get through this so we can move on to the next phase.  I guess tonight I am just wanting to be done!  I think round #3 took a little bit more of a toll on me and came with ALOT more side effects.  Those of you who see me probably don't think I have seemed much different but I am just good at hiding it!  :)   I guess I shouldn't say that.   It is not that I am hiding it I just feel that life goes on and I still need to work and accomplish things so why worry and talk about and fuss over all the negative.  So I just don't, but it is getting harder to stay positive.  I think about how many new negative things came with round #3 and I dread what will come with round #4.  I am tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  This is when I hear my sweet husbands voice in my head and he reminds me it will all be fine and that I am strong and I can handle all of this.  "Don't head down that road," he says.  And he is right.  So now that I have shared a little insight to my soul I will stop worrying and give myself my pep talk and get ready for tomorrow.  These are the moments I remember that I am trying to hard to do this on my own.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I have let others help with meals and tending and words of encouragement but at the end of the day I am not letting my Heavenly Father carry me a little.  I know that I have the strength to handle what comes my way but I let fear and doubt creep in and wear me down. Sometimes I think I am tired because I am not letting Him give me the peace that I need.  I forget He is there waiting for me to be humble enough to come to Him.  So in more ways than one I am sorry tonight!

So here's to a new day.  May I choose to remember that "together we can do hard things!", I am loved, I have the support of the best family and friends, I have a job (yes to those of you have heard about my job being terminated for the upcoming year it is true.  I have however, already applied for a new job, interviewed, and been accepted.  Yeah!  Yes it has been a stressful week and a half.), and most importantly I am alive and dealing with a challenge that is much easier than a great number of people out there.  So I will stop feeling anxious and I will say it again and again... I can handle this one!  Bring it on!  I am strong enough to deal with all of this and grateful that it is not worse!  Thanks for loving me and listening to me ramble.  See if you ever ask for me to share insights into my soul again!  LOL  Have a great night and know I am fine and I am praying each of you as you are dealing with your own trials will be more humble than I am and let your Heavenly Father love you through them!  :)  

  

Family fun???

Am I the only person who dreads family pictures?  So I know you all are amazed that we have never had a family picture taken.  I only have one picture of my family growing up and it makes me sad, so you would think I would make more of an effort to have family pictures taken with my kids.  I also am the person who loves photography and pictures so you think I would have them hanging all over my house.  So you ask why do I not have one family picture?  I have three words as to why not... Brooklyn, Payton, Callie!  Brooklyn and Payton are good now but as little girls I couldn't even get a picture at home let alone a professional picture.  They were both a bawling mess every time they saw a camera and ornery as they come.  Now they are so good about it but we have "Crazy Callie" as we lovingly call her.  One word that describes her is BUSY!!! After spending the morning doing this dreaded task I am again reminded why we are picture-less.  My sweet three year old was crazy as always, however, thanks to a special and patient lady we now have family pictures.  Yeah!  I have only seen two of them so far but they are good.  We might actually have gotten a few that will be cute!  Thank you Shawna for a fun morning and for being so patient in capturing some great pics of the family.  You are a saint!!  :) 

I've been hacked!

Any of you who know me well know I would never advertise my own event on my blog.  So you ask how did it get there?  Well, I have been hacked!  Remember that sweet friend of mine who in my first blog I told you was so great and helped get me set up to blog?  Well she not only set up my blog page but she has access to my blog and passwords.   So I get on today and there it is!  And because I am so "blog illiterate" I don't know how to take it off!  All I can say is it is a good thing I still love her!  

Round #3

A super fun afternoon with Amber!  I love that she loves me enough to spend the rest of the week playing catch up and being stressed out so that she can spend the afternoon with me getting poisoned.  That is true love!

Today they chose to not let me see if I would have a reaction to the chemo and just started me off on Benedryl.  So poor Amber got to spend the afternoon with the sleepy version of me.  We did have a good chat despite the drugs and we were able to have a good time!  Thanks Amber for being there!!  Love you! 

Round #2

Well yesterday was round two!  It was a fun day as my mom and dad came along with Mark and hung out with me.  I didn't have to stay quite as long as the first time.  I was there about four hours this time.  I think it would have been closer to three and a half but I ended up having an allergic reaction.  I suddenly couldn't breath and my heart started to hurt.  I felt really weird from my waist up and started to feel like I couldn't function.  My head was fuzzy and I felt like I might faint.  I am sure you are wondering what they do when this happens.  Many think they change your medicine.  Wrong!  Mark had the nurse come over and they stopped giving me the medicine for about 15 minutes.  They pumped me full of Benedryl and steroids and then started up the medicine again just a little slower.  So you continue to get the same medicine that your body doesn't tolerate just a little slower.  I know it sounds crazy but it works.

Have you ever had Benedryl given by I.V.?  Craziest thing! Within 5 seconds I was so tired I could barely talk to answer the nurses questions.  It knocked me out!  I told the nurse I had taken Benedryl before and it didn't make me sleepy but she said it was because I had never had it go straight to my heart!  I still feel like I'm in a bit of a Benedryl comma today.

Well as to how I feel?  I worked today and feel pretty good.  Okay to be truthful I feel crappy but I try to buck up and do my best to feel good.  If I follow last times pattern I will start feeling super crappy here in a few days and it will be harder to fake it.  I am happy though that my white blood cell count has rebounded and I was back to normal.  Yeah!   I am also happy that I am able to function enough to go to work and be productive.  You have got to look on the bright side of things or this chemo stuff could depress you!  :)

Well just a shout out to my favorite parents in the world!  I couldn't be blessed with better people to look out for me and love me!  You are the best! Thanks for being there with me yesterday.  It helps to pass the time and forget what is really happening there. I love you mom and dad!!  :)  

I'm losing it!

Well I totally lost it today!  My hair that is!  I am now bald.  Can you even believe it?  I knew today was going to come but I didn't know how I would feel.  How do you prepare for a moment like this?  Truthfully so far I am fine.  I kept thinking I would have a meltdown and cry but I haven't.  I guess I feel like I have all along and just recognize it as another step in my journey.  That's not to say I may not lose it soon and cry but so far all is well! 

We had a great time tonight and I am grateful to all of my friends and family who were here to support me in this.  Thanks to my hairdresser and friend Angi who came to my house to make this experience easier.  You are the best Angi!  I haven't seen all of the pictures yet but I know we laughed and had fun.  I have some awesome "dumb and dumber" bangs at one point, a long mo-hawk, a crazy ponytail, a mullet and many other looks before we finished with shaving it all off.  It was so sweet because my cute 3 year year old just kept saying, "It's okay.  I love you!  You are still just mom".

 
Many of you have wondered about my hair loss.  I began losing it 3 days into chemo but it wasn't until Tuesday of this week that it started to fall out in clumps and by Wednesday my head started to hurt.  Yes, it hurts!  I can feel my hair dying and my scalp is super tender.  It's not like when you shed hair like we all do daily.  It is different.  So when you wake up with so much hair on your pillowcase that it is hard to know what color the pillowcase is or when you can't touch your head without having a handful of hair, I knew it was time!  The doctors said 4 to 6 weeks in I would start to lose it but I didn't even make it three.  I guess that just means that the medicine is working, right?!

I am thankful for this experience.  I am so glad that I know about a loving Heavenly Father who has this plan for me.  When people look at me I hope they see the light of Christ shining in my eyes and not just see my bald head.  I pray that I can always be grateful for all I have been blessed with.  I want to make the most of each opportunity that I am given.  I hope through me having to shave my head I can be an example to my girls.  I pray that they may learn that what is most important is not the color of our hair, the clothes we wear, the size or shape of the body we were blessed with but that they will know it is so much more than all of that.  May we all learn to love who we are!  Love what we have been given.  See the beauty in everyday life and love and live more fully!!  May we take what comes our way and make the most of it!  I have not always done this and my personal challenge to myself is to try a little harder to be a little better!  May you challenge yourself to do the same is my wish for this evening!  Love you!  Me :)

Why red?

If any of you have seen me lately you have seen that I am now a red head!  Can you believe it?   Actually I have red hair with purple tips!  If you are asking why red and assuming it is because it is my favorite color, you are wrong.  This was my Christmas gift to my hair dresser.    I am one of her boring clients who never goes crazy and wild with my hair.  She is lucky I let her put in highlights.  My sister Ashley talked me into letting her do whatever she wanted.  So I told her "Merry Christmas!  I will be bald in a few weeks so do whatever you would like!"  She told me she didn't want to get me fired so she was just going to do "normal with a little crazy".  I laughed and told Mark if that is normal with a touch of crazy I can only imagine what I may have ended up like.  Just kidding Angi!  We had a good time and I have loved all of the reactions I have gotten from others.  People either seem to love it or hate it!  Thanks Ashley and Angi for my fun new hair!  More than it being fun it has reminded me it is just hair.  We need not worry so much about all of that and just have a little more fun in life!  So my tip for the day is... Go red!  They say blondes have more fun but for me I think I've lived life a little fuller as a red head!   

Humbled

Humbled is the only word that comes to mind as I contemplate the experience I had today.  I don't know how many of you know this but my friends and family will be putting on a fundraiser for me.  Anything for a Friend is joining with my family and neighbors to organize this event.  This is something I have struggled with. I refused for a long time to accept this until one day a friend of mine so gently reminded me that this is not just about me, this is bigger than me.  I know this is true and despite the embarrassment, the worry of being judged, the not feeling worthy or that others need this more than I do, I finally agreed to the fundraiser.  Well today was the first meeting to begin organizing this event.  I knew I shouldn't go and be around all of the people yet I also knew I needed to be there.  I just felt like my heart needed to be there and I wanted to be able personally thank each person for all that they were doing for my family and myself.  I told myself I wouldn't stay long and that I wouldn't hug people. Let's just say I failed!  

But why was the experience so humbling?  Well first of all I was humbled to see so many people willingly give up their time to be a part of this event.  People whom I didn't even know or haven't seen in years were there along with those of you whom have already served and given so much to my family yet you were there again to give us even more!  It was such an amazing feeling to feel so loved by each of you!  I was humbled to see how my friend whom I love and helped organize the first Anything for a Friend event for a few years ago when she was diagnosed with cancer has taken this and turned it into something so amazing!  She was the first recipient and I will be the 24th.  I am humbled to see how one person with vision and help from many others can touch so many lives!  I was humbled to meet the mother of a young man whom was a past recipient of an Anything for a Friend event.  She is amazing!  Her spirit and positive attitude touched my heart and I know I can learn so much from her.  Her son has passed away and I was not able to meet him but I know he must have been one very special person.  I have seen pictures of him and you can see his passion for life in his eyes!  I want to thank this young man whom I never had the privilege of meeting. It is because of him I am truly humbled!  He touched someone's live so much that they choose to generously give money to others like myself, who are Anything for a Friend recipients, in his name.  There is an anonymous person out there whom I want to throw my arms around and hug!  Whomever you are I want to tell you that you are an angel! God places people here on earth that quietly go about changing the world one quiet act of kindness at a time.  You are one of those people!  Thank you isn't enough.  We are so humbled that you would give so generously to us when you don't even know us! Thank you for the money as it has brought us peace of mind that we have been longing for.  More than the money thank you for the example you have set for my children of the power there is in doing kind deeds for others and how what we do matters!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  May Heavenly Father bless you and those around you for touching my life and the lives of so many others!                

Bottomed out!

Well today was my first nadir visit.  In cancer treatment, nadir commonly refers to the lowest point that an individual's blood cell count will reach as a side effect of chemotherapy.  Well according to my blood work the Dr.'s say I have "bottomed out". My counts are really low which means I am extremely susceptible to any type of infection.  An example is if you are at 4.0 you are considered low and I am at 1.8. Another one of my numbers is if you are at 2.0 you are low and I am at 0.2.  I try to look on the bright side and think  I could be lower I could be 0.1.  It is crazy to me because my insides are not matching my outsides.  I feel the best I have in awhile as far as nauseousness and pain, yet I am at my lowest point as far as my insides are concerned.  Crazy!

So what does all of this mean?  I should avoid people and take tons of extra precautions as far as hugging people or having them touch me.  I think this is going to the hardest part for me.  I am a hugger!  So I guess you all will have to help me and not hug me when you see me.  :(   I am going to hate that!

I do recognize all of the prayers being sent my way.  My family, everyone of them all three girls and Mark, have been or currently are sick yet I am staying relatively healthy. I see it as a small miracle.  I don't care what anyone says about staying away from them.  At the end of the day I am their mom and who do all of us want when we are sick?  Yes, our moms!  So I try to balance out taking care of them and staying healthy. It is tricky but I am managing. I have great people around me who are trying to help and I appreciate all that they are doing!  Thanks to all of you for loving us and being there for us.  We will forever be grateful!  

Quick Update

Just a quick update:
Tuesday - Round one of chemo.
Wednesday and Thursday  - I worked.  I didn't feel great but well enough to work.
Friday - I started to feel sick with a head cold.  Stayed home to try to catch it before it turned into something really bad.
Saturday - Had a fever of 100.4 which is the magic number that if I have that temperature I have to call day or night and talk to a doctor.  They started me on an antibiotic since I am getting sick!  :(  By far my worse day yet with lots of chemo side effects combined with a head cold.  
Sunday - Today I am resting and trying to feel better!  Still not great but hanging in there!  

Round #1

Well I survived round one!  Mom, Shay and Mark were with me as I prepped for this new experience.  I am grateful that I have so many people who love me and are with me every step of the way.  Thanks guys! 

If it looks like we were having a party we were!  When you have to stay there from 9:30am to 2:00pm you have to make the best of it.  So we had snacks, chatted and just hung out!  Some of you are curious as to what happens.  After a visit with the doctor I went and picked out my special recliner for the day.  They then connect you to an I.V. machine through a port I had placed in my chest.  From there I had my special "cocktail" drip into me for a few hours.  That's it.  They changed out my bags of "poison" every now and again and watched to make sure I didn't have an allergic reaction.  I didn't seem to have any problems this first round.  Yeah!

As for how I am now... well, let's just say I am doing better than I had imagined.  I know we all react differently but so far I am doing good.  All of the typical symptoms, tired, nauseous, achy but mostly just happy to not be flat in bed like I had anticipated.
I am amazed at how many wonderful people there are in this world!  As I spent the day receiving my first round of chemo I was able to visit with a sweet lady who is sadly a veteran at all of this.  She has already done 8 sessions and is now going in for quarterly visits.  Every time I meet someone new and hear their story I am again reminded that I am going to be fine and that I would take this trial over another.  Now with that being said she felt the same about my story and was so sad for me to have to deal with this with my little ones, having to work, etc.  I guess it is all about perspective and reminds me that we need to be grateful for who we are and all that we have! 

Bring it on!

Many of you have asked if I am scared to start chemo today.  I have told you all no, not really, but I guess if I am being honest with myself there is a small part that is a little anxious.  I like a plan and the lack of the unknown brings me a little bit of... well, I can't explain it, but knowing I went to sleep at midnight and am wide awake and writing this at 3am tells me I must be a little worried.

Here is what I know though and try really hard to live by when I get this unsettled feeling...God did not give us the spirit of fear!  I know life is full of challenges and hard stuff but I can choose to walk alone (which my stubborn self does more than I would like to admit) or I can choose to be brave and trust in the plan that I know a loving Heavenly Father has for me.  It's that simple!

So here is how I feel...Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!! Bring on the hard stuff, bring on the pain and the challenge and the crappy side to all of this!  Will I be exhausted, yes. Will I be naeseous, yes. Will I be bald, yes. But as I try to tell my children, you can dwell on the positive or the negative in every situation because they are both there to be found. So the positive is I will have to slow down and rest a little more. Is it really going to be that bad to sit and snuggle more with those beautiful girls I love and too often don't give them the time they deserve? The being naeseous part is a bit tougher to be positve about other than maybe it is going to be a great way to shed a few extra pounds that heaven knows I could lose! And being bald will not only save on shampoo and conditioner but am I not always asking for more time? Now I will have it. Time to laugh more, play more, love more and serve more! I guess we should be careful what we ask for! :) 

I know I can handle it.  I can do hard things.  I have never backed away from a challenge.  I have three girls for crying out loud!  (Just teasin' ladies!) I know that without feeling the deep sorrow and pain, the true heartache and a little bit of suffering I will never truly appreciate the depth of joy, happiness and love there is to be felt here.  So again I say ...BRING IT ON!!

Santa, Grinch and Angels!

I believe in Santa, the Grinch's change of heart, angels, and the magic of Christmas!  To those of you wonder why, I will tell you!  

Santa must have snuck into my house one day while we were all gone to work and delivered to our family an early Christmas gift of a beautiful tree and blanket.  Both of these were filled with so much love you can't even begin to imagine the joy it brought to our family.  I know it had to be Santa because he is the only person I know who can enter a house and deliver gifts without our knowing about it!  :)

As for the Grinch I arrived home from work only to receive a knock at the door and a very special Christmas delivery was given to me by someone whom is suppose to be grumpy but clearly with all that was delivered he had to have had a large change of heart!  Our hearts were also changed and will forever be touched!  You will never know the joy of Christmas morning we had this year thanks to the Grinch and his helpers!

We have also had a few angels anonymously deliver envelopes full of unconditonal love that our family will never know who to thank but will always be touched by their generosity!  

So to the angels, Santa and the Grinch and his helpers all we can say, and it doesn't seem like enough, is THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts.  You have touched our hearts and lives in ways you will never really understand and know! We love you and are grateful you have shared your love and kindness with us!       

How it all began...

I need to start by saying thank you to all of you for all of the love and support you have shown to my family and myself.  I am amazed at the outpouring of love you have shown us.  Everyone keeps asking me how I am handling this so well and all I can say is that it is because of all of you!  Your acts of love, prayers, positive thoughts and kind deeds are what keep me going.  Thank you!! 

Many of you have asked if I would be willing to share my story of how this started and what has been happening.  Those of you who know me well know that "sharing" is difficult for me.  I tend to keep personal things personal but I know this is not just about me.  I know that I need for this journey to be documented for my sweet children, wonderful husband and for myself.  I know we will need to look back on all of this and be reminded of the miracles and see the hand of a loving Heavenly Father.  So please know that you are more than welcome to join us on this journey and I hope nothing I say will bore or offend any of you.  This first entry will be long to catch you up.  Sorry!  Here we go...

I am actually pretty good about going in for my annual physical.  I hadn't missed an appointment up until I took a new job at work that I chose to let "take over my life".  With this new job I hadn't taken the time and thus had not gone in for three years.  I couldn't stop feeling that I needed to get myself together and go.  So I finally did.  While I was there my sweet CNM (and friend) told me she found a lump in my left breast.  I couldn't feel it but followed her advice and went in for a diagnostic mammogram.  When I was getting my mammogram done they said they couldn't find anything on the pictures or ultrasound and they couldn't feel anything on the left side.  They did however find something concerning on the right side and asked if they could take more pictures.  Once they looked over the pictures on the right side the doctor said that some radiologist might be aggressive and have it biopsied but that he was going to wait for six months and have me come back.  As we visited, this doctor started to "hum and haw" and then asked if I would allow him to talk to his colleages the next day.  I agreed and the next day they called and asked if I would schedule a biopsy.  On October 17th I recieved the results from that biopsy and found out that my world was about to change.  That was the day I found out I had breast cancer.

Those are the nuts and  bolts of the story but what I want you to know is that I recognize the hand of a loving Heavenly Father in all of this.  I know myself, if my CNM would have said, "Angie you're "29 and holding" and need to go in for a mamogram." I would have said okay and then put it off for winter break and then gotten too busy and put it off for spring break and then gotten too busy and put it off for the summer.  Sound familiar to anyone?  We lead such busy lives we tend to not listen or follow those promptings.  I know He knows me and knew I needed more than a whisper but that I needed a shove.  So a shove is what I got!  I am thankful to my wonderful CNM for being so in tune and following her intuition to have me go and get checked.  The kind of cancer I have would not have been felt and could only be found on a mammogram.  So ladies you know what I am going to say....stop procractinating and just get it done!  :)  I also recognize that the "humming and hawing" of the doctor was again another tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father.  I have the fastest growing kind of cancer and I fear how far my cancer would have spread if we would have waited six months.  I love that He loves me and will continue to guide those around me and use them as instruments in His hands! 

My journey continues... Once I found out I had cancer they told me I couldn't see a doctor for 9 days.  In normal life 9 days is not that big of a deal but when you have just found out you have "invasive ductal carcinoma" and don't even know what that means 9 days feels like forever.  I knew decisions would need to be made quickly once I met with the surgeon but I also knew I needed to have all the information I could.  The BRCA test was something I knew about because I have a family member who is very involved with this test and a dear friend who went through breast cancer a few years earlier.  I remember this being a big deciding factor in how she would proceed forward.  So despite many medical people telling me to wait and see what the surgeon thought I proceeded forward with having the test started.  It was not an easy decision because it is a $4,000 test that the insurance company was telling me they would likely not cover.  I was struggling with spending that kind of money because I knew I didn't have it to spend yet I kept feeling like I didn't have time to waste to wait the three to four weeks that the insurance agency was telling me it would take to decide if it would be covered.  Again I had an angel here on earth who said just what I needed to hear to help me decide to have the test run.  A sweet lady whom I have never met, who is employed for the company that was to run my test called me and asked if I wanted my test released.  I was hesitating and this amazing lady who is a stranger to me, yet I now feel like is a friend, said to me, "Sweetie can I give you some advise?  Listen to that gut feeling, that angel on your shoulder, that voice in your head.  Whatever you call it, just listen to it!" It was exactly what I needed to hear.  I knew the answer! I knew I needed it to be done and was doubting it and just needed a little reminder to follow my heart.  This amazing lady could have just done her job and waited for a yes or a no from me but instead she went above and beyond her job and gave me advise I will forever be grateful for.  Thank you Midge!! 

You need to know that the likelihood of me being BRCA positive was slim to none.  I have no family history and no other genetic reason to have this mutation.  The only reason they even concidered me a canidate was because of my young age.  Yes I am young girls!  You might think of me as grumpy old mom but "29 and holding" is really quit young!  :)  I had a 2-4% chance of being poitive.  Looks like the odds were not in my favor!  With this positive outcome is why I chose to have the double mastectomy and will be having a total hysterectomy when I get through all of the cancer treatments. 

The next big news came when I came out of having my double mastectomy surgery.  We found out that my cancer is a grade 3 (the fastest growing kind of cancer) and that it had already spread to my lymph node.  My surgeon was completely shocked and said she would have never bet on the fact that this had happened.  She had assurred me all along that the chances of it having already spread to my lymphnodes was minimal to none.  She saw nothing on the mammogram to indicate this nor could she feel anything that would indicate that there was a problem.  Yet again the odds were not in my favor.  It is a good thing I am not a gambler!  :)  

So where are we now?  Well my doctors wanted to start chemo on Christmas Eve or New Years Eve but were kind enough to allow me to get through the holidays.  I am now getting ready to start chemo in two days.  I will be having 6 rounds of chemo, one every three weeks.  This means if all goes well I should be done with chemo the beginning of May.  These next few months I imagine will be a whirlwind but I am optimistic that all will go well.  Yes, I am planning on working if possible through all of this and am just thankful to have a job and wonderful people to work with that have been very patient and understanding through all of this chaos. Many of you ask if I am scared.  I am not scared but I do hope that I can still be a happy functional wife and mom through all of this.  My kids have been so patient and understanding so far and I just want them to know of my love for them.  They don't deserve to have a grumpy mom.  That is my biggest concern right now. 

Before I leave for the night I have to tell you that Mark is one of the greatest men I know!  I am so certain that someone knew he was the exact person I would need to help me through this life.  I love him and am so thankful for everything he has done and is doing for our family!  It is not many who would be willing to wash and do my hair everyday, help me get dressed, feed me the first few days after surgery, drive me everywhere, be my nurse and keep track of all my medicines, be mom and dad to our kids, tuck me in because I can't even tuck my blankets under my arms at night and even shave my armpits!  Love, love love him!! 

Well there you have it!  Sorry it was so factual and business like.  I will try to show you my funny side another day!  I have just procrastinted enough that I had a ton of chat up to do.  Lastly I have to thank my social media guru friend who has spent a ton of time helping me get this up and running.  KiKi you are someone who I adore and cherish! Thanks for everything!!